A struggle in loneliness

Today marks a new era for me.  I am Zoloft free, after more than 4 years of being on medication for my anxiety and depression.  It has taken me some time to get to where I am but I am feeling good.  More than feeling good, I am feeling joyful (more often then not).

While the title of my post sounds sad, it also reflects a happy story.  From a recent conversation with my mom, it sounds like I have struggled with loneliness for a good part of my life.  You may ask how that could be, seeing how I am a twin and have had a constant companion throughout my earlier years.  I honestly can’t tell you why I struggle with loneliness so much or where it stems from but I do know that it has been with me for quite some time.  Even now (or especially now) I am lonely during the day and I often must force myself to take Lucas out of the house.

But rather then center this post on the difficult things, I wanted to take a minute to reflect on the positive changes in my life.

• For my first three years here in Houston I pretty much refused to drive (unless absolutely necessary).  I became anxious and irritable at even the thought of driving in a new city so I shut down and just stopped driving.  Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who helped me through this and drove me to/from work every day on his way to/from work.

• We are in the process of becoming members in a church and have been attending regularly.  Throughout college and the years following graduation, both Scott and I have struggled to find a church that we can call home.  We have been visitors to many churches over the years and even seriously considered joining a few but never made that final commitment.  We are planning Lucas’s dedication for this summer.

• I have joined a mom’s club and am currently seeking a daytime mom’s bible study (with childcare).  As I mentioned previously, it is often a struggle for me to get out of the house but having the mom’s club with all of their daily activities planned helps motivate me.

So here are a few things I still need to work on:

• Praying more diligently
• Listening for God’s direction
• Putting more effort into my friendships with the moms club
• Accepting that I may never have those bosom friends like I did in college

“Beware of harking back to what you once were when God wants you to be something you have never been” Oswald Chambers